my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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