Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's never too late to be topless.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
