On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
