Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
