I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
