I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
