My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
