Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
