just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
