Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
