he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
