he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
