It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize