I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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