i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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