I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
