the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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