apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
