there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
