you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
FUCK WHALES
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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