Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
