Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
