Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
