I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
