I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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