How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
