i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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