I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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