I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
