I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
