I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
