I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize