Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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