dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Randomize
