PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
