Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
