I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
