Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
