ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
