Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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