I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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