watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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