i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
