dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.