i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
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He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
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Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower