i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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