It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
