Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
