Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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