Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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