im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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