he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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