my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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