She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
