My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
