Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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