It's Friday. Sex?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
